Don't Be Deceived

I am sitting at my desk in my flat here at the University of Worcester with B.O.B's song Airplanes on repeat. I am literally pulling on my damp hair with a feeling of despair but more so frustration. A box of "Fruit 'n Fibre" sits to my left, my only current source of food to munch on. It's an unsweetened off-brand Raisin Bran cereal. A cup of cold decaffeinated instant coffee with milk sits on my right. Neither are fulfilling, and neither appeal to my American tastebuds. I keep checking facebook hoping to see a wall post show up or a new message waiting in my inbox. Nothing. I want to call my boyfriend but the six hour time difference means it's only 4pm where he is and who knows what he's doing at this time of the day. Not to mention, I made a pathetic phone call at 3am to him last night after going clubbing, where I realized how miserable it is to have gorgeous guys want to dance with you...but none of them being the person you want or are even willing to dance with. Every time I shook my head no and politely, but firmly, said "sorry" to the smiling brit with the spiked up hair, I felt bad. I wanted to tell them that in all other circumstances I would dance with them and they could put their arms around me and we can laugh and get tipsy and have a good time. But I didn't want to get tipsy. I didn't want to dance. I wanted to be with my boyfriend. Back home. In the states.

I don't know why I thought I could avoid homesickness but I guess studying abroad has a strange appeal in which you think you are going to be on a constant high of happiness, that England will be so great it would just continually distract you so that the the thought of home doesn't even come to mind. I suppose talking to all of my friends who have studied abroad and told me how great it is didn't help. And facebook is very deceiving. It shows the photos of the travels and the smiles and all the wonderful things going on. But no one dares post being lonely, or crying at night, or silently counting down the hours until the next phone call to the person you love takes place.

Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I'm just the pathetic American who can't hold her own here in another country. It is only 6 weeks afterall. When I first got here, and a group of us sat down to talk about weekend plans to all the places we want to go, my original thought was "My goodness...6 weeks isn't long enough!" And in fact it may not be. I was just talking to a girl who will be staying a few extra days here to go see her German friend and maybe hit up Prague. Prague...oh...Prague sounds amazing. Just from photos I've seen it's absolutely beautiful. I would love to go to Prague! So originally I thought of trying to switch my flight, stay a few days to go to other countries and experience even more while I'm over here. And then I think of the reason I didn't extend my stay in the first place...because of the people back home.



I don't blame England...England's not disappointing me. Beautiful places, interesting people, fun experiences...all within less than a week. I am thrilled to be here and I'm enjoying almost every minute of it. Today we went to Malvern Hills and I swear I felt a stirring within my runner's soul...something I haven't felt in months. Suddenly a desire to take off along the beaten paths gazing off at the view, completely captivated by God's creation. That's something I haven't even tried searching for recently and now I feel like laying out a new training plan. So no, England is not a disappointment. I am disappointing myself. I came here to change, to find inspiration and motivation, to sit and write and focus on my career. I pulled myself away from my home and the people I love to work on me and my dreams. I just unfortunately assumed it would be easy.

Escaping a place is easy. Escaping what holds dear to your heart? Impossible.